Unfortunately Idealistic

I am going to Colorado tomorrow.  I'm visiting the friends and the family, gonna show Mark my life pre-quarter life crisis/ move to Oregon he never got to see.  It makes me nervous to go home because I know I am stepping back into my past life and the life I only have the fondest memories of.  I think of Fort Collins now, after living in Portland for a year, as the perfect place to live.  I loved riding my bike to work, knowing people everywhere I went, not seeing herds of hipsters with their skinny jeans and men's tank tops, but more herds of hippies on cruisers.  And Chacos. I don't know why, but I miss everyone wearing Chacos and hats and that that was perfectly acceptable Friday night attire.  

It seems silly now that I think about it.  I moved away from a place I knew I loved.  I knew FoCo would be a hard place to beat, but still, for some reason I left.  Maybe there was too much history there, with too many people.  Not enough promise to keep me there.  Or maybe I was running away. Yeah, that's probably it.  I was running away from a heartbreak, from too many years in college, from a bad relationship, from a job I was bored at.  It worked I guess.  Out of sight, out of mind.  But what now?  I never thought location would matter so much in the overall satisfaction of my life.  Not that Portland is all that bad- it's finally sunny here and I am never without some event to go to or restaurant I haven't tried yet.  I'm meeting awesome people everyday and I have that one guy named Mark who is pretty great.  But I just don't fit here. I'm not connected to this city the way I was to FoCo. And that's probably my fault.  I haven't found my niche, my place here.  

Life has a funny way of working out and I know this will too.  I was drawn to Portland but never had a reason to be.  I just knew that's where I needed to go (whether or not leaving for the right reasons) and so I went.  It took come big cahones, and I have not regretted it, even for a second.  Even in February when I hadn't seen the sun in 9 months, even when I was broke and hated my roommate with a passion.  Things happen for a reason and even though things are not going in the direction I wanted them to go, I know that right now, in this moment, I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.  

Unfortunately, writing this blog isn't helping me get packed.  So, that will be the next place I am meant to be.